


to Love and to Rage

by aTasteofCaramell



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Canon Compliant, Depression, Drinking to Cope, F/M, Hate Letters, Heavy Angst, Love Letters, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, So much depressing sap, lucissa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-13
Packaged: 2018-08-14 20:50:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8028472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aTasteofCaramell/pseuds/aTasteofCaramell
Summary: You bastard
  
  I wish loving you didn't feel like hate. Bellatrix woke me up because she wanted to talk about the Dark Lord. She does not understand love. Love is hatred and torture and joyful and maddening and partnership and fighting and bloody and forgiving and
  
  ending
  
  love ends I think
  
  I love Draco
  
  I believe I could end the world for Draco
  
  I wish I could escape you





	to Love and to Rage

_**Her fireplace is filled with the ashes of the letters she could not send.** _

 

19 June, 1996, 1:30 am.

_Lucius,_

_Bellatrix says you are taken. She says there is no hope of escape for you. She curses the name of Harry Potter – but not because of you, because of the prophecy._

_Who cares about a prophecy?_

_I am coming for you. I do not care what Bellatrix says. The Ministry has never held the name of Malfoy in Azkaban prison, and we are not to let them begin now._

_With determination,_

_Narcissa_

19 June, 1996, 11:30 pm.

_Lucius,_

_There were Dementors at the Ministry, tightly packed around where I know you are being kept. I came with gold, I came with threats, I came prepared—_

_They tell me that the Dark Lord has returned; they tell me that they saw him rise. They saw him with Potter and Dumbledore. They do not want to listen to me; they push past the gold, they speak to each other in awed and frightened whispers._

_They would not let me past the Dementors._

_With trepidation,_

_Narcissa_

20 June, 1996, 7:00 am.

_My Darling,_

_What have you done?_

20 June, 1996, 12:30 pm.

_My Darling,_

_I am afraid. I am ashamed. The Dementors have gone. You are with them. I can't breathe for fear. What have I done? What have I said wrong?_

_They call you a traitor, and a damned criminal, and they say there is no hope of escape for you. None will listen to me. Bellatrix herself cries that your fate is just and that you have failed. But it is not just: how can it be just? It cannot be justice that my husband is torn from me, that my son is torn from his father. You have not failed, you were sent on a failing mission—who cares about a prophecy?_

_I have not given up. I will get you back._

_Bellatrix calls me a fool._

_Yours,_

_Narcissa_

21 June, 1996, 8:00pm.

_Lucius,_

_Bellatrix killed our cousin. She recounted the tale to me amidst curses and rantings and renting her own face with her nails. She said his surprise was beautiful; she says it was better than he deserved. She curses you and the Order to the high heavens because the Dark Lord is without his prophecy._

_I worry for Draco. He returns tomorrow. I don't know what to say to him._

_Who cares about a prophecy?_

_I wish you back._

_Love,_

_Narcissa_

22 June, 1996, 3:00 pm.

_My darling,_

_You would be proud of your son. I attempted to comfort him, and he told me I was not to worry. He told me that you would be freed. He told me that Potter has got nothing on the Malfoys._

_He raged at Potter. He blames all of this on Potter._

_I did not contradict him. I have a wish that I dare not speak aloud, that I dare not write down. I blame someone else._

_Yours,_

_Narcissa_

25 June, 1996, 9:00 pm.

_My Darling,_

_Damn the Order! Damn the Ministry! Damn Scrimgeour! He told me to leave you. He told me to abandon you and move on. He told me that you must stay and I must go unless I wished to join you. Damn the Prophet – they stir up public opinion against you. It's an ocean and I'm drowning in it. I went to Scrimgeour. I begged on my knees. He told me to forget you. He told me you would never escape. The evidence was damning. I claimed shelter under the Imperius Curse. He told me that would not save you._

_Damn him!_

_I am drinking. I would be drinking to excess if Draco were not here. He begged me to not continue to try to free you; he said I needn't incarcerate myself. Bellatrix pretended to comfort me. She stroked my hair and told me the Dark Lord was the only hope we had left. She told me the Dark Lord is merciful, and that only with his help are you to return to me. And she looked at Draco as she said this. I want her to keep her hands off of our son. I wish I had the same faith. I wish I had the same strength._

_I wish the Dark Lord had stayed dead._

_Yours,_

_Narcissa_

6 July, 1996, 10:30 pm.

_Darling,_

_There is a werewolf in our home. There is a man imprisoned in our cellar. He is screaming and so is Bellatrix – but I think she is laughing. Draco is afraid. He tries to pretend not to be, but he seeks me out and makes excuses, asking the most trivial of innocent questions. He is so pale. He does not wish me to touch him. He promises he will do something to keep us safe. I told him he was to do nothing._

_Do not worry, Lucius. I will keep him safe. No harm will come to our son._

_I hear the Dementors have all left Azkaban. I pray that is true._

_Yours,_

_Narcissa_

20 July, 1996, 2:00 am.

_YOU BASTARD_

_HOW COULD YOU_

_HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US_

_HOW COULD YOU LEAVE US_

_I SUGGESTED WE LEAVE ENGLAND I PLEADED THAT WE FLEE THE MOMENT YOUR MARK BEGAN TO STIR YOU TOLD ME WE COULD NOT YOU TOLD ME HE WOULD FIND US YOU TOLD ME HE WOULD KILL US YOU TOLD US IF WE STAYED WE WOULD BE SAFE YOU TOLD ME DRACO WOULD BE SAFE YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD KEEP HIM SAFE_

_YOU BASTARD_

_YOU PROMISED_

_DAMN YOU DAMN YOU DAMNYOUDAMNYOUDAMNYOU_

_I HATE YOU DAMN YOU_

_IF WE HAD ONLY LEFT – IF YOU HAD HIDDEN US AND RETURNED YOURSELF – IF YOU HAD BEEN STRONGER, IF YOU HAD NOT TAKEN HIS MARK IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF YOU HAD PUT US FIRST –_

_WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT US FIRST? WHY IS YOUR THIRST FOR POWER SO STRONG THAT YOU WOULD CAST US ASIDE AND GO PROSTRATE YOURSELF BEFORE THE BLOODTHIRSTY MADMAN? WHY WOULD YOU SACRIFICE ME ON THE ALTER OF HIS GREATNESS? WHY WOULD YOU SACRIFICE YOUR SON?_

_I HOPE YOU ROT YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH I HOPE THERE ARE DEMENTORS THERE I HOPE THEY SUCK OUT YOUR SOUL DAMN YOU_

_he has done it_

_he has taken my Draco_

_he has taken my son you bastard_

20 July, 1996, 5:00 am.

_thank the heavens for Severus Snape_

_my oldest friend_

_my only friend_

_he has done what you could not, you cowering, coreless, wandless bastard_

_I hate you_

1st September, 1996, 3:00 am

_My Lucius,_

_My darling Lucius_

_My darling dear_

_I wish you were here._

_Draco says he is not afraid._

_He must kill Dumbledore_

_My son cannot kill Dumbledore_

_Even if he had the skills, which he does not, he could not kill Dumbledore._

_I know my son._

_He is not a killer._

_My most precious darling, I don't know what to do. I have asked Severus to protect him. Severus gave me the Unbreakable Vow. But I am afraid. I haven't slept. Draco leaves me today._

_Please come back to me I beg you I can't do this I don't know what to do. I would go myself. I would kill Dumbledore myself. I would take the mark. The Dark Lord has promised your release if Draco succeeds. He looked at me as he said this. He is telling me I cannot go. If I were to do it in my son's place he would kill us all._

_He is trying to punish you he means to kill your son._

_He means to kill your son Lucius._

_I can't lose my son._

_Bellatrix is thrilled. She is happy. She is talking about honor and power and the chance for us to redeem ourselves. She is training Draco. He has controlled and tortured animals. She took him to the dungeons where the old man is and he was screaming I dare not think I dare not ask what happened down there but Draco's face is cold. He told me last night not to worry and that he would not fail. I gave him your wand and walking stick._

_He looks so much like you._

_I fear he is too much like you._

_Why do you have to be like this? Why must you expose yourself to the mercy of One who has none? I fear I can do nothing but sit and wait._

_My darling leaves tomorrow to attempt to murder the second-most powerful wizard on earth._

_If Dumbledore does not kill him the Dark Lord will._

15th September, 1996

_My dear Lucius,_

_I woke up, fearful and devastated. I dreamt of Draco and of his dying. I reached out for you and you weren't there._

_Now I can't stop weeping. I don't know what to do. He is going to try to kill our son. I have to stop him._

_Narcissa_

20th September, 1996

_Lucius,_

_You would tell me not to be a fool. You would beg me not to do this. But the Dark Lord has always had a stronger hold over you than me._

_I am not afraid of him._

_I will tell no-one of this. I will not tell my own sister. She would turn me in, or possibly kill me herself. But I do not want you to worry, darling. We shall not lose our son. Draco has a plan, a back-up plan in case all of his other attempts fail. The vanishing cabinet at Borgin and Burkes. It is quite brilliant. So you see, he will be fine until the end of the school year. Severus will protect him while he fails to kill Dumbledore. And at the end, when Severus himself kills Dumbledore – Draco will return here, of course. This is his home. And I will be waiting for him. And if the Dark Lord attempts to kill us we will Apparate away. I have been packing. I have stored supplies in a house far away. I do it slowly so Bellatrix does not notice, so Fenrir does not notice, so the others do not notice._

_I am leaving a trail for us – we will Apparate as far away as I can, we will rest, then we will Apparate further, and further, and further. We will bring with us brooms and poisons._

_We will flee, my son and I._

_I pray that perhaps, someday, we can come back for you. You are strong, my darling. I promise I will come back to you. And I promise our son will remain safe._

_I love you, my darling._

_Ever yours,_

_Narcissa_

21 November, 1996

_My beautiful husband,_

_I dreamt of you. I dreamt you were holding me. We were in a bright field full of soft sunlight and the silkiest long grass. You curved your fingers around the back of my neck and ran your hand down my skirt and you whispered love into my ear and you called me Cissa, like we were still schoolchildren, or newlyweds. I remember you giving me that name, so you could have one all your own._

_You spread your hands along the grass and everywhere you touched imperial orchids sprouted, perfuming the air, dotting the ground with violet; each new bud made me shiver. You told me you were coming back. You told me you loved me. I told you to prove it. So you ran your hands along the ground and the flowers sprouted and grew and I gripped you tight as I shivered and cried out and the pleasure built and built—_

_I miss you._

_Cissa_

30 November, 1996

_Lucius,_

_I wish I knew if you would ever come back. Our manor has become a hotel for Death Eaters. I give them what they ask for—but they have to ask for it. I will not let them take._

_Narcissa_

December 1st, 1996

_I love you._

December 2nd, 1996

_I love you._

December 3rd, 1996

_I love you._

December 4th, 1996

_I love you._

December 5th, 1996

_I hate you._

December 9th, 1996

_I love you._

December 12th, 1996

_Lucius,_

_The Dark Lord was here today. He called me to him. He spoke to me and I can't even remember what about, because all the while I was carefully emptying any thoughts about Draco and myself and our escape. I was terrified, but I projected calm._

_I do remember one thing. He asked me how I liked serving him. He was mocking me. I told him it was the greatest honor and blessing a pureblood family could hope for. I told him I only wished I could do more than provide lodgings for his servants. He laughed, and he knew I was lying—but he didn't know I was hiding from him._

_Lucius, I think I deceived him. I don't think he knows Draco and I are going to run._

_Narcissa_

December 25th, 1996

_My darling Lucius,_

_The house is empty. It is a miracle. They have left us in peace. Draco is here._

_He looks so much like you, darling._

_We drank and we comforted each other. He gave me chocolate and I gave him sweets and a broom servicing kit. He gravely informed me he was too busy for Quidditch. I informed him that was no reason to allow his broomstick to be left alone and uncared for. I tried to tell him that we were going to flee, but I had difficulty getting the words out. I'm not sure he understood. He has a feverish look in his eyes. I asked him if he was all right. He told me he would succeed, and that he wouldn't fail you. I asked if Severus was offering to help. He told me Severus had no business interfering._

_He is obstinate. He is so much like you, darling. But I am not afraid. I know Severus will not fail me, even if Draco wishes him to._

_With love,_

_Narcissa_

February 14th, 1997

_My most darling dear,_

_It is Valentine's Day. I should not be so upset; this day is no different than any other. Why should I miss you any more today than before? But I fear you will not return. I fear it within the deepest part of me. I have been weeping; I feel very alone._

_Bellatrix is here, and she laughed at me because I was drinking. Draco is not here, so I don't care how much I drink. She told me I should buck up and not worry about my slutting pathetic failure of a husband—I threw the bottle at her. I told her to get out. She threw a sobering potion at me and screamed that I was mad, and then she left. I smashed it on the floor as soon as she left, because I don't want to be sober. I feel so alone it aches. There are Death Eaters in our home and they will not leave me. You are gone and Draco is gone and Bellatrix left me years ago and you are never coming back to me._

_I am drinking and sobbing and drinking doesn't make it any better._

_I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you_

_Why did you have to follow him you son of a bitch? Why couldn't we just live in peace? Why couldn't we seek refuge in the Ministry? We could have hidden as Muggles. We could have fled and lived away from magic. There was a story in the Daily Prophet today about an attempt on a Mudblood's family. They all escaped and there was a photograph of them and I was so jealous and I wish that was us. I wish we were Muggles living in nowhere dealing with things like colds and pathetic rashes and late post and useless entertainment. Anything is better than this anywhere is better than here_

_Draco will not write me. Severus does if only to tell me Draco is alive and unharmed but they won't tell me what is happening. Why won't they tell me what is happening?_

_I hope the all of the Dementors really did leave Azkaban because what if they didn't?_

_Do you know what day it is?_

_Do you still love me, even though I failed to get you out?_

_I'm so sorry darling I'm so sorry sorry sorry I should have done better._

_I wish you weren't there in the first place you should have fled as soon as Potter fought back you should have come back to us you bastard instead of letting yourself be taken_

_I know you don't love me or you would have come back_

_I wish loving you didn't feel like hate._

_I wish I could escape you_

_Love or hate I'm not sure there's a difference,_

_Your Narcissa_

March 16th, 1997

_Lucius_

_I hate it and I wish I couldn't admit it I don't want to think of you I don't want to remember you I wish you had died in that_

_No I don't I don't wish you had died that's a horrible thing to wish on anybody_

_I wish I wasn't suspended and waiting, knowing you are there, knowing I can never reach you, knowing you might escape as soon as I accept that I will never see you again._

_I dreamt of you again but this wasn't romance._

_You were holding me and it was dark and you were rough and you were kissing me and biting me but I was screaming at you and pulling you closer and begging you to continue and you did. There were tears on my face but I didn't know if they were mine or yours_

_It hurt_

_And it didn't_

_It was wonderful_

_And it wasn't_

_I asked if you were coming back and you said no and you took me every way from Sunday and we were frantic because we knew we were running out of time_

_Bellatrix woke me up because she wanted to talk about the Dark Lord. She had crawled into our bed and was hugging me and kissing my shoulder and then she asked what I had been dreaming about because I had been making noises and I was very hot._

_I told her I had been trapped in a pit of fire._

_I want to die._

 

April 20th, 1997

_My dear Lucius,_

_Happy birthday. I drank to your health because I felt like that was what I ought to do._

_I feel nothing for you now._

_The Death Eaters are restless. Draco is running out of time._

_We will flee within two months' time._

_Cordially,_

_Narcissa_

May 2nd, 1997

_Lucius,_

  _I don't know why I'm writing. I have nothing to say. But I wish to say something._

_I am as empty and cold as a tomb, except for Draco. He is the passion in my soul._

_I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco. I love Draco._

_I believe I could end the world for Draco._

_I forgive you, but I don't think I love you anymore. This saddens me. I hope you are comfortable – as comfortable as one can be. I mean it. I don't wish harm upon you. If you ever get out of Azkaban I will be glad for you. I hope what you want most in the world comes true; I hope one day you can receive the power you so desperately desire._

_I wonder if, in a removed way, you ever truly loved me?_

_I will not write to you again. This is a pointless exercise._

_Cordially,_

_Narcissa_

May 12th, 1997

_I keep dreaming of you. Why do I keep dreaming of you?_

May 21st, 1997

_Leave me be, I tell you._

_Bellatrix is pleased about something. She won't tell me what, but she looks at me with a gleeful glint in her eye and she tells me "Any day now, Cissy. Any day now." I hate that nickname. You came to me last night and you called me "Dear Heart" and "Love" and "Cissa." And I let you. I couldn't tell you to stop until after I'd woken._

_I remember my sister who is not Bellatrix telling me a fairy tale once. I don’t' remember what it was called. I don't remember what it was about. But there were two lovers in it and they were separated but their love caused an unbreakable connection between them and they could send each other messages._

_I suspect she made it up herself, perhaps because of that disgusting Mudblood—_

_It doesn't matter._

_Stop sending me messages. I don't want them._

May 31st, 1997

_He's here. He's in the manor. Bella is half mad with joy. She says she is happy for me; she says he is pleased with me. She says she admires the way I am forever the graceful hostess. She says I have welcomed him with open arms and given him the manor and she says I am not far from being in his favor, and as for Draco – Draco will seal our fate forever._

_She doesn't know._

_She is fiercely in love with him. I don't understand how. That is not love, I want to tell her. You do not understand love. Love is patience and sacrifice. It is hatred and torture. It is unbearable suffering and longing. It is cold anger and hopeless sadness and poignant pain. It is joyful and maddening and partnership and fighting and bloody and forgiving and_

_ending_

_love ends I think_

_sometimes_

_I love Draco_

_forever_

_Cissa_

June 5th, 1997

_Lucius,_

_Our son turns seventeen. My son. Your son. Our Draco is seventeen._

_I wait with bated breath; the day will arrive at any time. The cabinet at Borgin and Burkes is almost alive. A bird came through. Bellatrix killed it and sent it back._

_I fear for him, but only a little. My Draco. My darling Draco. He will survive this. He is protected. Lily Potter's love protected her son, didn't it? My love will protect Draco. Severus is bound to his fate and he will protect Draco. Draco has strength and he will protect himself and he will come back to me and we will flee._

_I think about this and I laugh, because the Dark Lord does not know of my plan and does not know I will foil him in his plot to end my son. And then I cry, and I wish you could come with us._

_Not because I love you, because I don't. But because I wish Draco could have his father back. I wish I could have my husband back, the selfish, maddening, beautiful, hungry man I no longer love._

_forever_

_Narcissa_

June 30th, 1997, 9:00 pm.

_My Lucius,_

_I'm a fool. I thought I was strong, but I am not. I thought I was fearless, but I am not. I am waiting in a cold manor. The Dark Lord is in the drawing room. I wear a cloak. I am waiting for Draco to return. The Death Eaters have left, they have gone to Borgin and Burkes. I begged to be allowed to accompany them. I graciously asked the Dark Lord if I could go be with my son. He laughed and struck me down. I hit my head on the stair rail, and I don't remember anything else. I think there is blood in my hair, but I'm not sure. The pain is distant. I am dizzy; I am not sure I can stand. I sit on the stair where the Dark Lord left me. I write this with a quill in the air because I haven't any parchment._

_No matter. I will leave with Draco._

_My darling, I wish you were here._

_Narcissa_

 

June 30th, 1997, 9:15 pm.

_My Lucius,_

_I am thinking of the beach. I am thinking of Provence, France. Remember the lake we went to, the one surrounded by mountains? With the bluest water? We swam there, together, when there was no-one else there. It was pure freedom. You brought me a winged horse and I flew._

_I feel like I am flying again._

_Somewhere, far away, Draco is fighting. Severus will protect him. Severus must protect him._

_He will return, I will grab him, and we will Apparate._

_Can you feel the danger, where you are?_

_Do not worry. We will flee. I will flee with Draco. I will keep our son safe, I promise._

_Yours,_

_Narcissa_

June 30th, 1997, 9:30 pm.

_My Lucius,_

_I remember when you asked me to marry you._

_Do you remember?_

_And when you kissed me in the dark, around the corner, away from the crowds because we didn't want people to see. You were engaged to Theia Greengrass._

_Do you remember?_

_I close my eyes and I remember_

_forever,_

_Narcissa_

June 30th, 1997, 11:30 pm

_My Lucius,_

_They have returned. Dumbledore is dead. Severus killed him. I tried to stand and get to Draco. Severus took my arm and told me not to be a fool._

_The Dark Lord may not kill Draco after all._

_Dumbledore is dead._

_It's the end._

_forever_

_Narcissa_

July 1st, 1997, 2:30am

_My Lucius,_

_We are saved. The Dark Lord has spared Draco. I want to both weep and despair and in joy. We have not left. We will not. Draco says he will not go without you._

_My most darling dear, I don't want to leave without you either._

_Severus says to wait. Severus says to be patient._

_Dumbledore is dead. The end is here. We are doomed._

_I wonder how long the Potter boy will live._

_Narcissa_

July 20th, 1997, 2:00 am.

_My most darling dear Lucius, my Love and my Life,_

_I can't breathe. I can't weep. I can't sleep. I can't wait. I can't think. Azkaban. Severus has told me in a whisper and a glance. Azkaban. You are to be released from Azkaban. My Draco. My darling, darling Draco. I wish he were not enslaved. I wish none of this had happened. I wish we were far away, living next to the sea, or next to a lake, away from all of this. But I promised I would keep him safe and I have. I promised I would get you out and I could not, but Draco has done it – Draco, my poor, brave boy. What kind of parents are we, to put so much on him? But I'm weeping now. I am afraid I am dreaming. You are coming home. Severus has all but promised it. Bella doesn't care but she is not my sister so I do not care._

_You are coming home._

_I know everything will be all right. We will make it. We will be together._

_I miss you_

_I love you my darling._

_I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you_

_The world may rage. The Dark Lord may kill. Bella may torture. I care not._

_Who cares about a war?_

_You are coming home._

_We will be together, all of us_

_I wait for you._

_forever and always,_

_your Cissa_


End file.
